I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think I won the penis lottery.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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