ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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