Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
