i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
