and you said cock pushups were impossible
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
