the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
