One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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