Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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