I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
