I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize