so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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