So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
