we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You were trust falling into bushes
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
