Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
