He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
