just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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