You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's never too late to be topless.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
