every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hello my rib-scented angel!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
