I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
