1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
