I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
