the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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