last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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