I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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