I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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