Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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