Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
