Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
i think i just lost a toe
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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