The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
