Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
