Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
