Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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