Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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