My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize