If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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