I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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