it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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