Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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