No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize