were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
