I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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