You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
