she was so not down for the gang bang
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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