Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
