i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize