Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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