my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
