I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
