I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
