I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
