I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
