I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
