You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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