I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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