Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You're like the curious george of whores
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
