i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize