i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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