"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
