it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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