I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
