in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
