I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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