You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
